Feelings of Rapture, Feelings of Torture

"I hear a voice say "Don't be so blind".  It's telling me all these things that you would probably hide - Am I the reason you breathe, or am I the reason you cry?" ~Saliva: Always <3

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Guilt:
I told you I would always be there for you,
But when you needed me most you were alone,
I can't help but feel this is all my fault.
It's hard enough to forgive others,Especially when you've been hurt so bad,
But forgiving yourself, is it impossible?
I'm sorry I let you down.
-Unknown

When I push you away - I don't really want to. In my mind I am begging you to come closer, begging you to care about me just once like you care about her.

She doesn't understand how hard it is for me to live inside her shadow.  It's like she is blinded by her confidence and she can't see that it hurts me.  Confidence is such a great thing and for her that is what works. She has no problem being forward and honest, not seeming to care what people think until someone gets to her and makes her cry.

It hurts me to see her hurt, but I don't always know how to fix things.  She isn't the same and when I ask all I get is a 'nothing is wrong, stop asking that' answer.  

If I could see into their minds if only for a few seconds I'd take notes about everything that they like and dislike, and find ways to make everything as it used to be.  I used to be a person who didn't dwell on the past.  Lately - that is all I have been doing.  I think and think until I am blinded and my body is numb, I can't feel or understand anything and my limbs feel as though they aren't there - until I am crying out for help and a re-do.

Someone once said, " Of the thirty-six ways of avoiding disaster, running away is the best."  Not long ago, I would have fully and completely agreed with this.  I have spent my life running from things that I foresaw as a disaster.  Lately I haven't been running enough.  And now all the running and avoiding can't help what has happened.  Every step I took to take me away from my problems only intensified the thoughts running through my brain.  With every thud of my shoes on the pavement, my mind only came up with more reasons to go back.  I'm not one to give up, but I am almost believing it would be easier.  On everyone.  I want to always be that person, that friend, who will grab you and hold on tight as you are free falling in a downward spiral with nothing to catch you but my hands, because that's what friends do.  They love you unconditionally, with no regards to the past or the horrid marrs of mistakes that cover your face. 

*I wrote this in my journal after a conversation I had a few days ago*

I had been racking my brain trying to figure out what I could have possibly done to make them despise me so much.  It's like I am a disease, get to close and you die.  That's not how it is at all.  I wanted to know what I did to make them "disown" me as a friend. Now, I couldn't care less.  I have grown up a lot in these past few months and I almost think that I wouldn't go back if I could.  I know it sounds harsh, but I am happy-truly happy- for the first time in years.  Although losing some of my best friends was one of the most heartbreaking, gut wrenching, things that has happened so far - I feel relieved.  I can't tell you why, because I can't explain it to myself.  I miss them everyday, but I realize things would have ended eventually.  They have each other and then some and thats all they need.

They need to feel protected too.  Up until today, I thought that a couple of them were doing it just to see if they could ruin me, but after opening my eyes and pulling my head out of my ass, I can see that they have a need that needs to be satisfied. They need each other to feel protected.  And I get that... it is clear to me, and I hold no anger or resentment for them.

 I can't share everything that has been going on in my mind.  It's too hard.  I feel like a blind person, holding onto a rope following blindly only to reach the end of the rope, knowing that there is no more, and walking right over the edge, because I can't stop myself.  I can't stop the thoughts, the pain or the agony.

Sometimes, I pretend I'm okay, when inside I am screaming for help, for anything that could open eyes and bring realization, but there is none.  I can't say what I want to say - so I am happy for your sake, and yours alone :)  The fact that you still talk to me, not judging me, and looking past all the mistakes I have made only strengthens our friendship. I hope to God that if things change, our friendship will be the thing that doesn't.  I hope that I can be as great a person as you are some day.  It will take alot of work, but I'll get there.

Some days, I'll be walking around alone at school, and people say,  "Hey, where are all your friends?"  And I feel like crying, knowing that if I open my mouth I will, I put up my walls, look at them and turn away.  Because sometimes the pain is just to much.  I am realizing that this has turned the ending of my senior year of highschool, something I have fantasized about for years, into a downward landslide that I can't stop.  It does hurt when people ask, " How are your friends doing?  Are you guys all going to Prom?  What kind of activities are you doing for your date?" and I have to look them in the face and say, I'm not going.  Then comes the  "Why?"  and I feel those damned tears pushing on my walls and I have to swallow the lump in my throat, clear my vision and walk away. But I am fine.  I will be.  I have people who love me, and are always there for me, like you.  I have nothing to worry about, cuz my life starts now...