Happy Anniversary.

6 years. Today would have been 6 years that I was married to you. I have to say these things since we never really had closure.  I honestly don't even know how to put into words everything that I'm feeling or even begin to express the whirlwind of thoughts that have been eating away at my sanity today. 

I'm sorry for the way our life together ended, and for how a good portion of the middle spiraled downward. I know now that we did have to go through all this shit we did to get to our happily ever afters, but honestly, during my musing thoughts today, I realized that currently, I feel that it doesnt really help mend my broken heart. Or the shattered explosive pain i have been feeling as I've watched what I thought was my life crumbling this year. It doesn't help the feelings of getting shredded by sharp daggers from the inside out and I've found myself in tears multiple times today as my music has been on shuffle while I was working. The memories of each song took me back to a space and place in time where the emotions I had felt swallowed me whole. Some of them were good memories, some of them painful, and some of them so unspeakably hard to cope with that I couldn't stop the sobs from bubbling up and escaping from my mouth.

I ran. I hid. I cried and I curled into a ball sobbing in a corner of concrete in a place I'd never been before. I still have unspeakable amounts of healing to do, and I never meant to hurt you. Like Hoobastank says, "I never meant to do those things to you, and so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know. I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you." We survived 100% of our bad days and now we have a second chance and a new lease on life.
 
I want you to know that I did love you. And in ways I still do. I know that we both know that the love isn't the same anymore, and I know you feel similarly because you've voiced that. I still have so much in my heart and on my mind that I don't think I'll ever know how to articulate or even share with you, but I do cherish the good times and even some of the bad, because I learned a lot and my "wonderings" taught me so much, and I'm a better person for it. 

I feel a loss and a huge hole in my heart and my life without the kids. But I also know that for me right now, if I don't take the time and space I need to work through and learn how to mend my heart that is in a million bloody pieces on the ground, I wont be able to be any good for myself, or for the people I care immensely for and love.
Ryker and Aubree have always been my priority. They always will be. Even when you or others feel that I'm not hearing or understanding. I do. I hear it. I know. I understand. And I will always stand for their protection and happiness just as you do. I know it isn't my fight, and I appreciate you not keeping him from me. I appreciate that more than you will ever be able to comprehend. Thank you.
 
I have to heal. For me. For my future. For the babies I love with every fiber of my being. For the beautiful future I know I was created to live. 

I'm just so tired.
Tired of fighting.
Tired of contention.
Tired of trying to be something that I'm not.
Tired of not being true to myself, and caring what people think.
Tired of worrying and stressing over not fitting into peoples boxes of what they think I should be.
I am just tired.
 
I threw our wedding cake and marshmallow pops from our wedding away a while ago. I did it by myself. And then I cried about it. Just like when I put my rings back in their box and closed it for good. I cried for everything we loved and lost. For what I thought at the time was failure. 

Now I know it wasn't failure. We didn't fail. Even though at first, losing you was the most horrible pain I had ever experienced, it had to happen. "Sometimes you have to be happy alone to be happy together." We actually succeeded because we learned so much and grew so much during our time together. That wasn't a failure. We loved and we lost, and that's ok. Because we found people who understand us and love us despite everything we have been through and the pains we have experienced in our lives from birth until this moment. A brief moment in time. 

Thank you for allowing me to love you, and for the love you showed me despite everything. For the sleepless nights you held me while I cried or came up behind me to hug me just because you knew it made me feel safe. Thank you for all the little things you never knew you were doing.  I needed you just as much as you needed me at times and I am thankful for the lessons I learned. 

Thank you for growing up with me. For learning with me. And for fighting for me when I didn't know how to fight for myself. 

I wish you love. I wish you happiness. I wish you every good thing you have earned that the Universe and God has to offer. 

Now go live your beautiful future and don't let anything stand in your way. You know what you want, so never stop chasing your dreams.
 
Happy Anniversary.