I want to remeber this because for the first time in my life - I finally know what it is like to have a partner who loves me unconditionally, without prejudice in any way no matter how crazy the meds I am on make me or how moody I get when it's time for my period to come or how competitive and grumpy I can get playing games sometimes. He is unlike anyone I've ever known. He is extraordinary. He is also the handsomest man I've ever laid eyes on, and his heart is so pure and full of love to give. He gives me hope in my future like I've never experienced before.

Tonight Rich was in the kitchen cleaning and I had just finished paying Lisa for dinner at Chilis the other night. She went out on the deck to smoke and I heard my love singing Terrified by Atreyu in the kitchen. It's my all time favorite song by Atreyu and it is how I feel about having Richard in my life. I dilly dallied a little - lost in thought as I listened to him sing and as I was sitting there it was like this movie playing behind my eyelids as I sat and listened. I had random flicks of many memories we have made together in the almost 6 months we have been together. On the 12th it'll be 6 months. And wow has it flown. He always knows how to make me smile and he outs just as much if not more effort into me as i put into him. He is one of a kind I'm pretty convinced!

The song was drawing to a close and I got up and wandered down the hall from my bedroom to the kitchen. I smiled and whispered to Rich that we had to listen to it again because I missed it the first time. Not having a voice sucks especially cuz it's been over a week, but he has been so funny and sweet and caring even though I've been a hot mess since January.

Anyway - I was at the sink rinsing some dishes to help clean up and Richard was putting food in the fridge.

There is a part in the song that says:
" I can see you standing there
Oh, if I could just reach out
You know that I've been so afraid
Afraid that I would pull you down
I ruin everything that's perfect
I'm hiding the best of me
You're all I need
To me you are perfect
You bring out the best in me".

As he turned around from closing the fridge, I turned around from where I was standing at the sink as I was singing the verse and he put his hands on my ribs on either side toward my back and I held his face in my hands and we locked eyes as we were both singing together, "you're all I need, to me you are perfect, you bring out the best in me" and in that moment, his features softened and he smiled his soft smile that I love so damn much, and his eyes sparkled with this burning unconditional love and we shared this moment that hit me with emotion equal to what I can only figure feels like a freight train crashing into me at 110 miles per hour. I had tears running down my face and he smiled and kissed me so tenderly and said, "oh baby, it's ok - dont cry." And he smiled and leaned forward to kiss me a few sweet, soft pecks and then pulled me into a soul igniting hug that was unlike anything I have ever experienced.

Then it hit me.

He loves me.

I mean. I have known he has loved me for a while now, but this was earth shattering love emanating from him. He loves me and will always love me no matter what I weigh, or whether or not my hair or makeup is done, or if I'm wearing deodorant or no bra and the same granny sweater I have worn everyday this week because I'm confident in myself in a way I've never been before.

He has truly brought out the best in me. Being with him - I'm happier than I have ever been in my entire life.

As we were laying in bed talking and snuggling tonight - we talked about how in that moment, it hit him too that he has never had anyone love him in the way I love him. And he realized it the same moment I did. I. Love. Him. Unconditionally. Too. We talked about how we felt like we kind of "leveled up" in our relationship. It was the most earth shaking, heart pounding, most amazing experience I have ever had.

Like Atreyu says,

"I remember cold dark nights
Staring at a moonlit sky
Walking circles in the same place
Trying to ease my cold dark mind
Questions happen endless here
Not an answer for miles
Out of the horizon line
An explosion of light

I've been terrified
For all of my life, been losing the fight
I'm terrified
I was falling apart til you made it right
I wasted my days in the lowlife
Til you turned all my dark into daylight
I was terrified
After all of this time
You lifted me up from the lowlife

I can see you standing there
Oh, if I could just reach out
You know that I've been so afraid
Afraid that I would pull you down
I ruin everything that's perfect
I'm hiding the best of me
You're all I need
To me you are perfect
You bring out the best in me

I've been terrified
For all of my life, been losing the fight
I'm terrified
I was falling apart til you made it right
I wasted my days in the lowlife
Til you turned all my dark into daylight
Oh I was terrified
After all of this time
You lifted me up from the lowlife".

I know now, that everything that I've gone through and survived - the pain, the feelings of feeling not good enough, the loneliness and hurt - literally - every single thing good, bad and ugly - it all led me to him. In his arms I am home.

It wasnt hard to fall for Richard Andrew Hawley - and tonight made me realize: when I'm with Richard - I am the best and TRUEST version of myself. I spent so long trying to find the girl inside of myself from before all the trauma - but shes gone now. This new beautiful version of Charity-Faith is who I've always been destined to be.

It's like walking into a place and instantly knowing you're where you're meant to be. I'm finally home.