Still Looking for the Clarity of my Voice

I am still looking for the clarity of my voice...


Not because I want to be heard - but because I NEED to be heard.  
If not by an audience - at least let me hear myself.


When I was a kid I didn't care about other peoples problems. 
As I grew older I began to care more & more.


I began to stop worrying about myself and more about other people.


I stopped making life treat me kind, and as I stayed up into the early hours of the morning helping friends through their difficulties, I began to watch my life slip away.  


I cared more about keeping them happy and non-suicidal then trying to watch out for myself.
I watched people I loved and needed slip out of my reach.


I watched my once brilliant mind go to mush. 
I began sinking deeper into my icy box of stone cold walls I had thrown up around myself.  


The walls were made up of my insecurities, my problems and my insults from myself and others. 


I was a stranger to myself.
I was running from my mind.


Through a musty labyrinth with green mold growing up the walls and a temperature low enough to freeze your heart mid-beat. 


I was running aimlessly through the twisted maze, trying to decipher what the voice in the back of my head was screaming at me...


Daylight sliced through the darkness, and into the dusty recesses of my mind- and realization hit.


I kept forgetting to be kind to myself.
I still forget that.


Life was beautiful-I just needed to open my eyes enough to see that.


There are moments I could never forget, but I could try.


Moments I can remember where I tricked people into thinking that I am something I am not.  


Regrets. 


Hidden in there somewhere - trying to hide as my mental broom swept through the cob-web filled closets of my core -they were trying to grasp the doorjamb in one last attempt to stay before getting shut out in the cold.  


No one wants to hear what I wanna say.


But I can keep talking to myself-I have not given up on trying to coax this injured soul out of the stone box where it sits.


My mind is finally beginning to grasp the concept of living outside of the box.


I am remembering to tie my shoes, match my socks and paint my toenails.


I may still flip my pillows to the cold side when I wake up during the night, and I may still come across as annoying and obnoxious just because. 


But I am getting worse at forgetting.  


I still forget to stop feeling guilty about things beyond my control and I may still forget to say my prayers ~


But the clarity is coming back - One. Blurry. Pixel. At A Time.