If You Really Knew Me

Do you ever wish that people would be able to look past your masks and see the real you?  


I know I do - you see, I have lived my whole life up until now behind a buckling shelf full of masks.  I wear them to avoid being hurt - to keep myself comfortably numb, because that's what we do -we do it to hold our feelings perfectly placid...now I am shaking off the dust on my feet and I am coming clean, because I am tired of hiding behind a thin wall of plaster that - when touched in the right place can shatter in the blink of an eye...  


By the time I am done here I hope to have shattered every mask on my shelf and watched every wall I have ever thrown up around myself crumble to the ground in a heaping mass of mistakes and little wisps of dust rising into the air screeching their freedom to the world so everyone will know... 


If you really knew me you'd now that I am just like any other kid out here trying to figure out what I want in life, and searching for ways to make my dreams come true, to show myself that I can prove you wrong- and be something that you said I could never be.  


If you really knew me you'd know that someday's it is a struggle to drag my ass outta bed, that the pressure is crushing me from the inside out - and yes, I do break down.


If you really knew me you would know that public speaking scares the shit out of me - I am afraid of boring people and not measuring up, of being a complete and total failure and not being able to sale your interest to the highest bidder. 


 You would know that I beat myself up over things I can't control... and you'd know that I do miss the one's I have lost - and not a day goes by that I don't think about them, because they are always with me... their memory lives on... through me.  


If you really knew me you'd know that I don't care what people say - I used to be afraid to show who I am but I'm not anymore, and if you knew me you would know that I love people... sometimes.  


You'd know that I love being outside with my animals, that sometimes I prefer them over people - at least they listen and pretend to care - and if they don't it's not as easy to tell.  


If you really knew me, you would know that I am still afraid of spiders and feather boas, and that I am 


fascinated by snowball fight techniques and dentures... you would know that I still check behind the 


shower curtains EVERYTIME I go into a bathroom and I still flip my pillow to the cold side at night 


when I wake up.


If you really knew me you would know that I don't think I am crazy cuz I talk to myself - I don't think I am crazy when I answer myself either... it's the times that I have to ask myself to repeat what I just said cuz I wasn't paying attention the first time, that worries me.


If you really knew me you'd know that I am always swearing - out loud, in my head, under my breath... Ask my dad I learned from him...  you'd know that to see him hooked up to a machine every other day just to keep him alive makes me feel like I have a lead ball in the pit of my stomach - this teenage girl never asked for this.  You'd know I believe if someone says they'll always be there for you, you need to find out exactly where "there" is...


Now let me tell you a bit about myself - I tend to say 'I don't know' when I'm to lazy to think, and I hate the feeling you get when you fight with someone you really care about.  I am multi-talented see, cuz I can talk and piss you off at the same time and when I am crying and someone hugs me it just makes me cry harder.  If you really knew me you would know that I am Charity-Faith Susan Ledkins, I am almost 18 years old and dying to graduate highschool.  I play violin and guitar and have the best friends anyone could ever ask for.  And I am the Great Milenko.  


I have pulled myself out of that cramped recess of my mind and I'm still working on the clarity of my voice, but slowly, ever slowly it is coming back into focus.  Thank you.