How I Feel

 

Just reading thru this. Trying to figure out how to let go of my babies.

They deserve the world and I don't want them stuck in the middle of any adult issues. It isn't fair to them and they aren't pawns. So after INSANE AMOUNTS of prayers, I love them enough that I am learning the all so fucking painful lesson of loving it so much I have to let it go.

Do you know how shitty that feels? At least I am getting pregnant with Richard, that is huge progress especially for me and my hormones, but everytime I miscarry it hurts that that fucking worse and I miss the kids even more Than I did before and I already thought my heart couldn't possibly fucking miss them more or it would shatter into a bazillion pieces but God, I still miss em more every second of every day.

But apparently I am yet again not important enough to be spoken to, I just get iced out again without even a fuck you charity - anything you could have hurt me with would have been better than just never hearing a word from you or your wife despite the time I spent trying to check on ryker - I see passive aggressive is still something worn frequently for you and I'm sorry that is a pattern that you still have so much work still to break.

I am hurting right now and I want you to understand everything that I have been bottling up to protect your happiness but after this treatment and you not even trying to give me the time of day when I am emailing and calling and texting and exhausting all options because I was sincerely worried, it makes me realize you haven't changed a fucking bit. You dont give a fuck, do you?

You only give a fuck about you and what you think you deserve and how fucking hippocritical you are calling everyone else out when you are just as bad or even fucking worse - you and cierra are the fucking same in my eyes. 

This proved it all to me.


Aleo that message you sent- honest to God - never intending to hurt you or make you hate me to the point you never wanted to talk to me again, right after telling me you still love me. What was that? How was anything that happened after my fault?

It's like I've always been some fucking liability to you when in all fucking reality, I poured my whole fucking heart and soul into every fucking person in my house that I paid for all by myself and I got treated like the free place to live and the babysitter and I got yelled at if the house wasn't clean but how could It be that cierras lazy fat ass had been home sleeping, sexting you, facebooking and watching TV while the kids were locked in their rooms in filthy soggy diapers and snacks she literally had thrown in and closed the door so the kids couldn't bother her or her sex addiction, how was I over and over the bad guy?

I made sure that fucking house was SPOTLESS every fucking night when you got home, to help lessen your anxiety, I was constantly going out of my way to accommodate you and cierra and everyone but my fucking self, but you still fucking texted me novels about everything I was doing wrong when all I was doing was pouring every ounce of energy I had left into everyone but me.

Fuck you. I am Still hurt. And after all this - your message about me being the rock - why didn't you ever fight for me like you FOUGHT AGAINST ME FOR HER LIES?!

YOU COULDNT EVEN FIGHT FOR ME WHEN I WAS NOTHING LIKE THE TRASH YOU CHOSE TO PUT FIRST AND YOU STILL EXPECTED ME TO BE OK WITH THAT?!

HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN OK WITH THAT SPENCER?

THE THINGS SHE WOULD SAY AND DO TO ME WHEN YOU WERENT THERE TO SEE IT - AHE WOULD TURN AND SAY I DID TO HER AND YOU NEVER EVEN FUCKING QUESTIONED HER

YOU QUESTIONED ME AT EVERY FUCKING BREATH, AND TOOK HER SIDE EVEN WITH SOLID PROOF PROVIDED BY ME SHOWING THE LIE.

SO TELL ME, HOW THE FUCK WAS AND AM I STILL - SUPPOSED TO FEEL?

I promised you I'd be there every fucking visiting time when you were in the hospital and guess what? If I said it, I FUCKING SHOWED UP FOR YOU. AND YOU TREATED ME LIKE I MEANT NOTHING AT THOSE VISITS BC SHE HADNT CALLED OR SHE HADNT COME.

SPENCER I FUCKING SACRIFICED EVERTTHING I HAD FOR YOU ALWAYS HOPING YOU WOULD DO WHAT YOU USED TO, BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED. ITS LIKE PUSSY POISON OR SOME SHIT.

Why wasn't i ever good enough through all my proving myself over and over- why did you question MY character over hers? Seriously? Do you have any fucking idea how that made me feel?

You probably won't ever read this post again, and I'm happy for you. Uilani is a one of a kind, beautiful person and she deserves to be treated like a queen.

Rich had my phone when that message from you came through. For what it's worth, thank you for being that vulnerable with me, but after everything we have been thru, and how I was always second best to cierra and it was proved to me over and over that I didn't matter - your message didn't make sense to me.

I was never an equal in that relationship. I worked my fucking ass off, got up with the kids and payed attention to THE KIDS instead of my phone, but vierra was still your queen.

I could never do that again. The only thing that kept you from finding me dead in our walk in closet to escape from my pain - was the kids. Because I knew they wouldn't be safe with cierra there. And she proved it with sending both kids to the ER.

I always wondered why the fuck I wasn't enough. And why every fucking time that cierra had lied about things, somehow it ended up being my fault for doing xyz and you stopped asking me my side and just started believing lies and bullshit and coming at me accusing me of whatever shit she pumped you with that Day to get attention from you. I was never fucking important after she came into your life. She left, you tried to kill yourself while I was in the shower bc she left.

How do you think that made me feel? But I still got you down and drug you up the stairs. How do you think my heart felt? It was heavier than you and all your dead weight.

I just finished throwing up bc I have finally found my voice and I am Finally not afraid of protecting your feelings because let's be honest, you didn't give a fuck about mine.

Do you have any idea how much that fucking hurt me?

Do you have any fucking idea how many times I sat in our walk in closet, lonely, defeated FUCKIKG EXHAUSTED TO MY FUCKING SOUL and ready to finally fucking end my suffering?

I was fucking miserable. The day i asked you not to fuck her (family picture day) and I caught you before you left work at yl for the day and you looked me in my eyes and you swore to me you wouldn't and then to have everything come crashing down and to find out not only that you'd slept together but that you'd put your cock inside her with no protection and you were setting her and you guys were discussing details in a way we NEVER had.

Do you have any fucking idea how much that fucking hurt me? I. Wanted. To. Fucking. Die. Right then and there.

But instead I took out my anger and hate and rage on my dad and it turned out to be a blessing, because the hurt and the betrayal and feeling like a mother fucking fool AGAIN - why wasn't I enough for you or any part of you to keep your promise to me that day?

You guys fucked and then after pics had shown up with Starbucks for me and pretended like everything was fine.

After the fact even looking at the photo of you and her sitting at the picnic table with me (that I took) it makes me sick to my fucking stomach because everytime I see it or think about any of that time frame of my life.

I think about all the times she lied for attention and you stuck up for her and you literally yelled in my face and made me out as a Monster and took her side time and time again no matter how much I had provided proof of how she was fucking lying?!

And even though I had NEVER FUCKING ONCE LIED TO YOU, or given you ANY reason to fucking distrust me - I was still the one who ended up having my character and my honesty and integrity constantly questioned and it made me feel like the biggest piece of shit ever because it really proved to me just how much I DIDNT mean to you.

Do you know how bad it hurt everytime I knew you guys had fucked again and it had literally been almost AN ENTIRE YEAR since you and I had been close, EVEN FUCKING ONCE, and you and her were fucking like fucking Dr Suess style: here there and fucking everywhere, So much so that when she would run away on the nights she decided to make my fucking life miserable and decided she wasn't getting enough of your fucking attention, it was literally like a fucking scavenger hunt driving around with you to all the different streets and hearing about all the other mountain spots and shit we would be checking if we didn't find her at the first 5 fucking places she could have took off too.

Do you have any idea how that made me feel? The anger and hurt and sickness are still so fucking raw.

And here you are icing me out because, what? You married someone for the wrong fucking reasons instead of realizing that even though I was FUCKING MISERABLE dealing with cierra and all the drama that followed her around like the smell of her cum dumpster vagina - I was there for you the entire fucking time Spencer.

Not only did I do FUCKING EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY COULD FOR YOU, HER AND MOST OF ALL THE KIDS - but I NEVER FUCKING ONCE EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT STEPPING OUT OR CHEATING ON YOU.

NOT FUCKING ONCE. and honestly, a part time therapist I was seeing told me I would have had good reason to at least think about it, but ya know what?

When I Said I was a forever person, I FUCKING MEANT IT.

All the nights I had to get the kids out of bed and chase not only you, but her all over creation as well while inwas working 2 jobs and cierra literally did nothing but trash the house while I was at work for the day.

The stress and anxiety eating me alive constantly because I was responsible for 2 adults and 2 kids and I was barely holding on myself.

I want to know what you have to say for yourself. So if you ever see this - this is how I truly feel.

My heart was stomped on so much, every lie. Everytime the two of you lied to me when I was out of town, all of those things, made me believe I was fucking unlovable.

That there was something wrong with me bc the only time you and cierra talked to me was when you needed something or when you were telling me everything i was fucking doing wrong.

So FUCK YOU.

I have everything I had and so much more and I lost myself in the process.

Richard literally loved me back to life. And he truly treats me like i am his queen.
.he shows me every day.

Instead of being met with everything I'm doing wrong, he tells me and appreciates everything I am doing RIGHT.

AND IT MAKES ALL THE SUFFERING I WENT THROUGH WORTH IT, BECAUSE I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE WHO SAID FOREVER - AND TRULY FUCKING MEANT IT.