I want to remeber this because for the first time in my life - I finally know what it is like to have a partner who loves me unconditionally, without prejudice in any way no matter how crazy the meds I am on make me or how moody I get when it's time for my period to come or how competitive and grumpy I can get playing games sometimes. He is unlike anyone I've ever known. He is extraordinary. He is also the handsomest man I've ever laid eyes on, and his heart is so pure and full of love to give. He gives me hope in my future like I've never experienced before.

Tonight Rich was in the kitchen cleaning and I had just finished paying Lisa for dinner at Chilis the other night. She went out on the deck to smoke and I heard my love singing Terrified by Atreyu in the kitchen. It's my all time favorite song by Atreyu and it is how I feel about having Richard in my life. I dilly dallied a little - lost in thought as I listened to him sing and as I was sitting there it was like this movie playing behind my eyelids as I sat and listened. I had random flicks of many memories we have made together in the almost 6 months we have been together. On the 12th it'll be 6 months. And wow has it flown. He always knows how to make me smile and he outs just as much if not more effort into me as i put into him. He is one of a kind I'm pretty convinced!

The song was drawing to a close and I got up and wandered down the hall from my bedroom to the kitchen. I smiled and whispered to Rich that we had to listen to it again because I missed it the first time. Not having a voice sucks especially cuz it's been over a week, but he has been so funny and sweet and caring even though I've been a hot mess since January.

Anyway - I was at the sink rinsing some dishes to help clean up and Richard was putting food in the fridge.

There is a part in the song that says:
" I can see you standing there
Oh, if I could just reach out
You know that I've been so afraid
Afraid that I would pull you down
I ruin everything that's perfect
I'm hiding the best of me
You're all I need
To me you are perfect
You bring out the best in me".

As he turned around from closing the fridge, I turned around from where I was standing at the sink as I was singing the verse and he put his hands on my ribs on either side toward my back and I held his face in my hands and we locked eyes as we were both singing together, "you're all I need, to me you are perfect, you bring out the best in me" and in that moment, his features softened and he smiled his soft smile that I love so damn much, and his eyes sparkled with this burning unconditional love and we shared this moment that hit me with emotion equal to what I can only figure feels like a freight train crashing into me at 110 miles per hour. I had tears running down my face and he smiled and kissed me so tenderly and said, "oh baby, it's ok - dont cry." And he smiled and leaned forward to kiss me a few sweet, soft pecks and then pulled me into a soul igniting hug that was unlike anything I have ever experienced.

Then it hit me.

He loves me.

I mean. I have known he has loved me for a while now, but this was earth shattering love emanating from him. He loves me and will always love me no matter what I weigh, or whether or not my hair or makeup is done, or if I'm wearing deodorant or no bra and the same granny sweater I have worn everyday this week because I'm confident in myself in a way I've never been before.

He has truly brought out the best in me. Being with him - I'm happier than I have ever been in my entire life.

As we were laying in bed talking and snuggling tonight - we talked about how in that moment, it hit him too that he has never had anyone love him in the way I love him. And he realized it the same moment I did. I. Love. Him. Unconditionally. Too. We talked about how we felt like we kind of "leveled up" in our relationship. It was the most earth shaking, heart pounding, most amazing experience I have ever had.

Like Atreyu says,

"I remember cold dark nights
Staring at a moonlit sky
Walking circles in the same place
Trying to ease my cold dark mind
Questions happen endless here
Not an answer for miles
Out of the horizon line
An explosion of light

I've been terrified
For all of my life, been losing the fight
I'm terrified
I was falling apart til you made it right
I wasted my days in the lowlife
Til you turned all my dark into daylight
I was terrified
After all of this time
You lifted me up from the lowlife

I can see you standing there
Oh, if I could just reach out
You know that I've been so afraid
Afraid that I would pull you down
I ruin everything that's perfect
I'm hiding the best of me
You're all I need
To me you are perfect
You bring out the best in me

I've been terrified
For all of my life, been losing the fight
I'm terrified
I was falling apart til you made it right
I wasted my days in the lowlife
Til you turned all my dark into daylight
Oh I was terrified
After all of this time
You lifted me up from the lowlife".

I know now, that everything that I've gone through and survived - the pain, the feelings of feeling not good enough, the loneliness and hurt - literally - every single thing good, bad and ugly - it all led me to him. In his arms I am home.

It wasnt hard to fall for Richard Andrew Hawley - and tonight made me realize: when I'm with Richard - I am the best and TRUEST version of myself. I spent so long trying to find the girl inside of myself from before all the trauma - but shes gone now. This new beautiful version of Charity-Faith is who I've always been destined to be.

It's like walking into a place and instantly knowing you're where you're meant to be. I'm finally home.

Happy Anniversary.

6 years. Today would have been 6 years that I was married to you. I have to say these things since we never really had closure.  I honestly don't even know how to put into words everything that I'm feeling or even begin to express the whirlwind of thoughts that have been eating away at my sanity today. 

I'm sorry for the way our life together ended, and for how a good portion of the middle spiraled downward. I know now that we did have to go through all this shit we did to get to our happily ever afters, but honestly, during my musing thoughts today, I realized that currently, I feel that it doesnt really help mend my broken heart. Or the shattered explosive pain i have been feeling as I've watched what I thought was my life crumbling this year. It doesn't help the feelings of getting shredded by sharp daggers from the inside out and I've found myself in tears multiple times today as my music has been on shuffle while I was working. The memories of each song took me back to a space and place in time where the emotions I had felt swallowed me whole. Some of them were good memories, some of them painful, and some of them so unspeakably hard to cope with that I couldn't stop the sobs from bubbling up and escaping from my mouth.

I ran. I hid. I cried and I curled into a ball sobbing in a corner of concrete in a place I'd never been before. I still have unspeakable amounts of healing to do, and I never meant to hurt you. Like Hoobastank says, "I never meant to do those things to you, and so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know. I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you." We survived 100% of our bad days and now we have a second chance and a new lease on life.
 
I want you to know that I did love you. And in ways I still do. I know that we both know that the love isn't the same anymore, and I know you feel similarly because you've voiced that. I still have so much in my heart and on my mind that I don't think I'll ever know how to articulate or even share with you, but I do cherish the good times and even some of the bad, because I learned a lot and my "wonderings" taught me so much, and I'm a better person for it. 

I feel a loss and a huge hole in my heart and my life without the kids. But I also know that for me right now, if I don't take the time and space I need to work through and learn how to mend my heart that is in a million bloody pieces on the ground, I wont be able to be any good for myself, or for the people I care immensely for and love.
Ryker and Aubree have always been my priority. They always will be. Even when you or others feel that I'm not hearing or understanding. I do. I hear it. I know. I understand. And I will always stand for their protection and happiness just as you do. I know it isn't my fight, and I appreciate you not keeping him from me. I appreciate that more than you will ever be able to comprehend. Thank you.
 
I have to heal. For me. For my future. For the babies I love with every fiber of my being. For the beautiful future I know I was created to live. 

I'm just so tired.
Tired of fighting.
Tired of contention.
Tired of trying to be something that I'm not.
Tired of not being true to myself, and caring what people think.
Tired of worrying and stressing over not fitting into peoples boxes of what they think I should be.
I am just tired.
 
I threw our wedding cake and marshmallow pops from our wedding away a while ago. I did it by myself. And then I cried about it. Just like when I put my rings back in their box and closed it for good. I cried for everything we loved and lost. For what I thought at the time was failure. 

Now I know it wasn't failure. We didn't fail. Even though at first, losing you was the most horrible pain I had ever experienced, it had to happen. "Sometimes you have to be happy alone to be happy together." We actually succeeded because we learned so much and grew so much during our time together. That wasn't a failure. We loved and we lost, and that's ok. Because we found people who understand us and love us despite everything we have been through and the pains we have experienced in our lives from birth until this moment. A brief moment in time. 

Thank you for allowing me to love you, and for the love you showed me despite everything. For the sleepless nights you held me while I cried or came up behind me to hug me just because you knew it made me feel safe. Thank you for all the little things you never knew you were doing.  I needed you just as much as you needed me at times and I am thankful for the lessons I learned. 

Thank you for growing up with me. For learning with me. And for fighting for me when I didn't know how to fight for myself. 

I wish you love. I wish you happiness. I wish you every good thing you have earned that the Universe and God has to offer. 

Now go live your beautiful future and don't let anything stand in your way. You know what you want, so never stop chasing your dreams.
 
Happy Anniversary.

I have finally decided to start writing again. To get my feelings out in words, there is so much I want to say. So much pain that I feel.

Since my last post on this blog in 2012, I have been through some amazing changes in my life.  I got married to the man of my dreams, got married and met what I thought was the girl of my dreams too. We have 2 beautiful kids and had for a brief glimpse in time, a family. Completeness. Whole. 

But I have also lost people in my life that I never thought I would lose. I took them for granted. Having them here everyday to talk to and love. Losing them and learning that my love now had to be long distance. To feel the grief bubble up unexpectedly, triggered by a site, or a smell or a song. 

I lost my grandmother June 20th 2013. She was my role model, the woman who had raised my beautiful mother and molded her into the amazing, wonderful mother she is to me.  I was then dating my now husband, soon to be ex husband through a learning experience riddled turn of events and he was such a huge support to me during that terrible time. 

My husband proposed to me on July 4th 2013, at 10 PM on the top of suncrest, as a thunder storm rolled in and there was a multi hued kaleidoscope of fireworks in every color imaginable all across the valley as far as the eye could see. I became this wonderful gentleman's wife on October 17th, 2013 - my grandmother's birthday. 

This amazing man I was fortunate enough to call my husband for the past nearly 6 years has taught me so much in our 6 years of marriage. He taught me that it is ok to feel. That it is ok to grieve. That it is ok to not be ok. He has been patient and loving throughout all of our trials, teaching me tools to help me cope with my past. 

At the end of October 2015, I drove to my parents house and had a very long, very loud conversation with my father. I had resented him my entire life because he had been abusive every single day of my life. He was controlling my entire life, the people I chose to associate with, and every other aspect one could possibly have that would have even the tiniest glimpse toward for freedom. 

One night I had finally had enough.  I knew that he could no longer control or hurt me, and that if he had tried my then husband would have had my back and defended me and let him know just how not ok the things he had done and was currently doing was. I drove to his house and yelled at him for over 2 hours. I told him every reason I hated him, and why so many times I had wished he would just disappear.  Die.  Vanish.  Never to be heard from again. I told him how hurt I was that he treated my husband and I the way he had, and how much it upset me that he came to my wedding, hid in the back, watched my brother walk me down the aisle and when I chased after him right after my ceremony, he had the nerve to just push right through me and not say one word.

I told him how unfair it was that my mom had to sneak out of the house to come to my bridal showers, and tell him off to come to my wedding.

But after all that, I also thanked him. I talked to him about how appreciative I was that I wasn't like other kids my age, that I knew how to work hard, and that I had goals for myself that I worked on achieving.  I became a homeowner at 22 and I attribute a lot of that to the fact that I grew up responsible and that I am not like other kids my age.  Not a lot of people can say that they have had so much success that they worked tirelessly to build all on their own with the support of an amazing spouse.

That night, was the first night he ever told me he loved me and the first time I had actually seen him really cry.  And our relationship began to improve.

The night before his death, less than 8 months later, I was driving home from my second job, and a voice spoke to me as clear as day and said, "You NEED to go visit your parents."  At that moment, I was so exhausted in every way possible, as I was a wife, a mother and  nurturer to everyone around me.  I was working 2 jobs, so we were able to get by.  I was so exhausted, I took it for granted, dismissed the urging, and went home.  The next morning at work, where PCI compliance is strongly enforced, I was coaching my team and didn't have my phone on me.  I didn't realize I was missing call after call of my family frantically trying to get in touch with me.  A phone representative approached me on the floor and said, "you need to call your mother."  My heart sank.  In those 6 words, dread completely and udderly engulfed my body.  I knew something had happened.

I pulled out my phone and ran outside to check it and found 7 missed calls from my mother and 13 missed calls from my sister.  I called them back and heard the dreaded words in my sisters tear filled voice, "Dad's dead."  I panicked.  I started crying and saying NO, NO NO NO, over and over again. I ran around frantically trying to find my manager - or any manager - that could relieve me of duty and not think I just bailed without a word. When I finally did find one, I couldn't even get the words out, and he took one look at me and said, "GO."  

I don't even remember the drive to my mothers home, or what I said or did when I got there.  I remember the men from the mortuary pulling his body out of their van so I could say goodbye before they took his body away.  I don't remember much else.  I remember Anger.  RED, hot, encompassing anger.  I couldn't handle the things I was feeling.  I was angry because just when I had finally begun to have a healthy, loving relationship with him, he died.  He wasn't there for me, or so I thought.

A couple of months after his passing, my daughter Aubree was having trouble sleeping.  After multiple times between my husband and I getting up to see what we could do to help her, re-tucking her in, and singing songs, I decided to get up and hold her on the couch in the dark with only the light from the diffuser on my kitchen counter for light.  As I laid there cuddling my sweet babe on my chest, she began looking around and waving.  She said, "HI PAPA!" and continued to wave.  My eyes welled with tears as the realization that he was there with me, unseen by me, but seen by my beautiful daughter, and I knew in that moment, he had never left.  He is always watching over me, and the ones I love so dearly.  

And I found peace.  Finally.  An overwhelming sense of calm rushed over me and I knew he was ok.  I knew that no matter where I went and what I did, that he would always be there watching over me.

And he still visits occasionally, especially when the struggles of life get to me and I get so far inside my own head, I am struggling to keep my head above water.  That has been happening a lot lately, but I know someday, somehow, I will be ok.

Feelings of Rapture, Feelings of Torture

"I hear a voice say "Don't be so blind".  It's telling me all these things that you would probably hide - Am I the reason you breathe, or am I the reason you cry?" ~Saliva: Always <3

Read more: SALIVA - ALWAYS LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/always-lyrics-saliva.html?s=10114715#ixzz1o0kHiX3G
Copied from MetroLyrics.com 

Guilt:
I told you I would always be there for you,
But when you needed me most you were alone,
I can't help but feel this is all my fault.
It's hard enough to forgive others,Especially when you've been hurt so bad,
But forgiving yourself, is it impossible?
I'm sorry I let you down.
-Unknown

When I push you away - I don't really want to. In my mind I am begging you to come closer, begging you to care about me just once like you care about her.

She doesn't understand how hard it is for me to live inside her shadow.  It's like she is blinded by her confidence and she can't see that it hurts me.  Confidence is such a great thing and for her that is what works. She has no problem being forward and honest, not seeming to care what people think until someone gets to her and makes her cry.

It hurts me to see her hurt, but I don't always know how to fix things.  She isn't the same and when I ask all I get is a 'nothing is wrong, stop asking that' answer.  

If I could see into their minds if only for a few seconds I'd take notes about everything that they like and dislike, and find ways to make everything as it used to be.  I used to be a person who didn't dwell on the past.  Lately - that is all I have been doing.  I think and think until I am blinded and my body is numb, I can't feel or understand anything and my limbs feel as though they aren't there - until I am crying out for help and a re-do.

Someone once said, " Of the thirty-six ways of avoiding disaster, running away is the best."  Not long ago, I would have fully and completely agreed with this.  I have spent my life running from things that I foresaw as a disaster.  Lately I haven't been running enough.  And now all the running and avoiding can't help what has happened.  Every step I took to take me away from my problems only intensified the thoughts running through my brain.  With every thud of my shoes on the pavement, my mind only came up with more reasons to go back.  I'm not one to give up, but I am almost believing it would be easier.  On everyone.  I want to always be that person, that friend, who will grab you and hold on tight as you are free falling in a downward spiral with nothing to catch you but my hands, because that's what friends do.  They love you unconditionally, with no regards to the past or the horrid marrs of mistakes that cover your face. 

*I wrote this in my journal after a conversation I had a few days ago*

I had been racking my brain trying to figure out what I could have possibly done to make them despise me so much.  It's like I am a disease, get to close and you die.  That's not how it is at all.  I wanted to know what I did to make them "disown" me as a friend. Now, I couldn't care less.  I have grown up a lot in these past few months and I almost think that I wouldn't go back if I could.  I know it sounds harsh, but I am happy-truly happy- for the first time in years.  Although losing some of my best friends was one of the most heartbreaking, gut wrenching, things that has happened so far - I feel relieved.  I can't tell you why, because I can't explain it to myself.  I miss them everyday, but I realize things would have ended eventually.  They have each other and then some and thats all they need.

They need to feel protected too.  Up until today, I thought that a couple of them were doing it just to see if they could ruin me, but after opening my eyes and pulling my head out of my ass, I can see that they have a need that needs to be satisfied. They need each other to feel protected.  And I get that... it is clear to me, and I hold no anger or resentment for them.

 I can't share everything that has been going on in my mind.  It's too hard.  I feel like a blind person, holding onto a rope following blindly only to reach the end of the rope, knowing that there is no more, and walking right over the edge, because I can't stop myself.  I can't stop the thoughts, the pain or the agony.

Sometimes, I pretend I'm okay, when inside I am screaming for help, for anything that could open eyes and bring realization, but there is none.  I can't say what I want to say - so I am happy for your sake, and yours alone :)  The fact that you still talk to me, not judging me, and looking past all the mistakes I have made only strengthens our friendship. I hope to God that if things change, our friendship will be the thing that doesn't.  I hope that I can be as great a person as you are some day.  It will take alot of work, but I'll get there.

Some days, I'll be walking around alone at school, and people say,  "Hey, where are all your friends?"  And I feel like crying, knowing that if I open my mouth I will, I put up my walls, look at them and turn away.  Because sometimes the pain is just to much.  I am realizing that this has turned the ending of my senior year of highschool, something I have fantasized about for years, into a downward landslide that I can't stop.  It does hurt when people ask, " How are your friends doing?  Are you guys all going to Prom?  What kind of activities are you doing for your date?" and I have to look them in the face and say, I'm not going.  Then comes the  "Why?"  and I feel those damned tears pushing on my walls and I have to swallow the lump in my throat, clear my vision and walk away. But I am fine.  I will be.  I have people who love me, and are always there for me, like you.  I have nothing to worry about, cuz my life starts now... 

Protected

I wanna feel protected - I have my jacket zipped up tight and I'm not letting anybody in.  I was ready to trust but now I have to go back to the beginning and start all over.  One thing- one tiny little thing- and I'm gone.  


How did this happen? 


I thought I knew my best friends.  We said nothing could ever come between us, and 1 person threw that into a tailspin-launching us down into a oblivion so dark and recessive it is questionable if we could get out even if we tried.  


We'd come crawling in on our hands and knees, you'd be begging for forgiveness and being guilty but it's not your fault.  Once you get that through your head the better - I only wish we could go back to the start and not make the mistakes we made, that we could keep our friends together and not have falling outs every other day. 


Your blank stares scare me to death - and I wish everyday I could know what's going on in that brilliant but shadowed mind of yours.

Now I'm tired and I know you must be too. 
So lets just stop this before we ruin ourselves completely. 

What I Learned in Paris

Paris.

Such a wonderful place, I learned so much during my time in Paris that it would take me days to describe it all.  So I will keep it short and sweet.  I learned things about myself that I would have never found out otherwise-I learned how to sympathize with people whom I had no idea of their true identities and when we did our open mic day I learned so much.  Lets just say I was glad I was on the back row so nobody could see my tears.  It embarrasses me.   I learned how to love.  Not myself, but others, i gained a greater appreciation for writing - even more than I had before.  So thank you to everyone who helped me on my great tour of Paris!  Keep viewing the blog! I have more things that I want to post!  :) Ciao!!!

If You Really Knew Me

Do you ever wish that people would be able to look past your masks and see the real you?  


I know I do - you see, I have lived my whole life up until now behind a buckling shelf full of masks.  I wear them to avoid being hurt - to keep myself comfortably numb, because that's what we do -we do it to hold our feelings perfectly placid...now I am shaking off the dust on my feet and I am coming clean, because I am tired of hiding behind a thin wall of plaster that - when touched in the right place can shatter in the blink of an eye...  


By the time I am done here I hope to have shattered every mask on my shelf and watched every wall I have ever thrown up around myself crumble to the ground in a heaping mass of mistakes and little wisps of dust rising into the air screeching their freedom to the world so everyone will know... 


If you really knew me you'd now that I am just like any other kid out here trying to figure out what I want in life, and searching for ways to make my dreams come true, to show myself that I can prove you wrong- and be something that you said I could never be.  


If you really knew me you'd know that someday's it is a struggle to drag my ass outta bed, that the pressure is crushing me from the inside out - and yes, I do break down.


If you really knew me you would know that public speaking scares the shit out of me - I am afraid of boring people and not measuring up, of being a complete and total failure and not being able to sale your interest to the highest bidder. 


 You would know that I beat myself up over things I can't control... and you'd know that I do miss the one's I have lost - and not a day goes by that I don't think about them, because they are always with me... their memory lives on... through me.  


If you really knew me you'd know that I don't care what people say - I used to be afraid to show who I am but I'm not anymore, and if you knew me you would know that I love people... sometimes.  


You'd know that I love being outside with my animals, that sometimes I prefer them over people - at least they listen and pretend to care - and if they don't it's not as easy to tell.  


If you really knew me, you would know that I am still afraid of spiders and feather boas, and that I am 


fascinated by snowball fight techniques and dentures... you would know that I still check behind the 


shower curtains EVERYTIME I go into a bathroom and I still flip my pillow to the cold side at night 


when I wake up.


If you really knew me you would know that I don't think I am crazy cuz I talk to myself - I don't think I am crazy when I answer myself either... it's the times that I have to ask myself to repeat what I just said cuz I wasn't paying attention the first time, that worries me.


If you really knew me you'd know that I am always swearing - out loud, in my head, under my breath... Ask my dad I learned from him...  you'd know that to see him hooked up to a machine every other day just to keep him alive makes me feel like I have a lead ball in the pit of my stomach - this teenage girl never asked for this.  You'd know I believe if someone says they'll always be there for you, you need to find out exactly where "there" is...


Now let me tell you a bit about myself - I tend to say 'I don't know' when I'm to lazy to think, and I hate the feeling you get when you fight with someone you really care about.  I am multi-talented see, cuz I can talk and piss you off at the same time and when I am crying and someone hugs me it just makes me cry harder.  If you really knew me you would know that I am Charity-Faith Susan Ledkins, I am almost 18 years old and dying to graduate highschool.  I play violin and guitar and have the best friends anyone could ever ask for.  And I am the Great Milenko.  


I have pulled myself out of that cramped recess of my mind and I'm still working on the clarity of my voice, but slowly, ever slowly it is coming back into focus.  Thank you.