Feelings of Rapture, Feelings of Torture

"I hear a voice say "Don't be so blind".  It's telling me all these things that you would probably hide - Am I the reason you breathe, or am I the reason you cry?" ~Saliva: Always <3

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Guilt:
I told you I would always be there for you,
But when you needed me most you were alone,
I can't help but feel this is all my fault.
It's hard enough to forgive others,Especially when you've been hurt so bad,
But forgiving yourself, is it impossible?
I'm sorry I let you down.
-Unknown

When I push you away - I don't really want to. In my mind I am begging you to come closer, begging you to care about me just once like you care about her.

She doesn't understand how hard it is for me to live inside her shadow.  It's like she is blinded by her confidence and she can't see that it hurts me.  Confidence is such a great thing and for her that is what works. She has no problem being forward and honest, not seeming to care what people think until someone gets to her and makes her cry.

It hurts me to see her hurt, but I don't always know how to fix things.  She isn't the same and when I ask all I get is a 'nothing is wrong, stop asking that' answer.  

If I could see into their minds if only for a few seconds I'd take notes about everything that they like and dislike, and find ways to make everything as it used to be.  I used to be a person who didn't dwell on the past.  Lately - that is all I have been doing.  I think and think until I am blinded and my body is numb, I can't feel or understand anything and my limbs feel as though they aren't there - until I am crying out for help and a re-do.

Someone once said, " Of the thirty-six ways of avoiding disaster, running away is the best."  Not long ago, I would have fully and completely agreed with this.  I have spent my life running from things that I foresaw as a disaster.  Lately I haven't been running enough.  And now all the running and avoiding can't help what has happened.  Every step I took to take me away from my problems only intensified the thoughts running through my brain.  With every thud of my shoes on the pavement, my mind only came up with more reasons to go back.  I'm not one to give up, but I am almost believing it would be easier.  On everyone.  I want to always be that person, that friend, who will grab you and hold on tight as you are free falling in a downward spiral with nothing to catch you but my hands, because that's what friends do.  They love you unconditionally, with no regards to the past or the horrid marrs of mistakes that cover your face. 

*I wrote this in my journal after a conversation I had a few days ago*

I had been racking my brain trying to figure out what I could have possibly done to make them despise me so much.  It's like I am a disease, get to close and you die.  That's not how it is at all.  I wanted to know what I did to make them "disown" me as a friend. Now, I couldn't care less.  I have grown up a lot in these past few months and I almost think that I wouldn't go back if I could.  I know it sounds harsh, but I am happy-truly happy- for the first time in years.  Although losing some of my best friends was one of the most heartbreaking, gut wrenching, things that has happened so far - I feel relieved.  I can't tell you why, because I can't explain it to myself.  I miss them everyday, but I realize things would have ended eventually.  They have each other and then some and thats all they need.

They need to feel protected too.  Up until today, I thought that a couple of them were doing it just to see if they could ruin me, but after opening my eyes and pulling my head out of my ass, I can see that they have a need that needs to be satisfied. They need each other to feel protected.  And I get that... it is clear to me, and I hold no anger or resentment for them.

 I can't share everything that has been going on in my mind.  It's too hard.  I feel like a blind person, holding onto a rope following blindly only to reach the end of the rope, knowing that there is no more, and walking right over the edge, because I can't stop myself.  I can't stop the thoughts, the pain or the agony.

Sometimes, I pretend I'm okay, when inside I am screaming for help, for anything that could open eyes and bring realization, but there is none.  I can't say what I want to say - so I am happy for your sake, and yours alone :)  The fact that you still talk to me, not judging me, and looking past all the mistakes I have made only strengthens our friendship. I hope to God that if things change, our friendship will be the thing that doesn't.  I hope that I can be as great a person as you are some day.  It will take alot of work, but I'll get there.

Some days, I'll be walking around alone at school, and people say,  "Hey, where are all your friends?"  And I feel like crying, knowing that if I open my mouth I will, I put up my walls, look at them and turn away.  Because sometimes the pain is just to much.  I am realizing that this has turned the ending of my senior year of highschool, something I have fantasized about for years, into a downward landslide that I can't stop.  It does hurt when people ask, " How are your friends doing?  Are you guys all going to Prom?  What kind of activities are you doing for your date?" and I have to look them in the face and say, I'm not going.  Then comes the  "Why?"  and I feel those damned tears pushing on my walls and I have to swallow the lump in my throat, clear my vision and walk away. But I am fine.  I will be.  I have people who love me, and are always there for me, like you.  I have nothing to worry about, cuz my life starts now... 

Protected

I wanna feel protected - I have my jacket zipped up tight and I'm not letting anybody in.  I was ready to trust but now I have to go back to the beginning and start all over.  One thing- one tiny little thing- and I'm gone.  


How did this happen? 


I thought I knew my best friends.  We said nothing could ever come between us, and 1 person threw that into a tailspin-launching us down into a oblivion so dark and recessive it is questionable if we could get out even if we tried.  


We'd come crawling in on our hands and knees, you'd be begging for forgiveness and being guilty but it's not your fault.  Once you get that through your head the better - I only wish we could go back to the start and not make the mistakes we made, that we could keep our friends together and not have falling outs every other day. 


Your blank stares scare me to death - and I wish everyday I could know what's going on in that brilliant but shadowed mind of yours.

Now I'm tired and I know you must be too. 
So lets just stop this before we ruin ourselves completely. 

What I Learned in Paris

Paris.

Such a wonderful place, I learned so much during my time in Paris that it would take me days to describe it all.  So I will keep it short and sweet.  I learned things about myself that I would have never found out otherwise-I learned how to sympathize with people whom I had no idea of their true identities and when we did our open mic day I learned so much.  Lets just say I was glad I was on the back row so nobody could see my tears.  It embarrasses me.   I learned how to love.  Not myself, but others, i gained a greater appreciation for writing - even more than I had before.  So thank you to everyone who helped me on my great tour of Paris!  Keep viewing the blog! I have more things that I want to post!  :) Ciao!!!

If You Really Knew Me

Do you ever wish that people would be able to look past your masks and see the real you?  


I know I do - you see, I have lived my whole life up until now behind a buckling shelf full of masks.  I wear them to avoid being hurt - to keep myself comfortably numb, because that's what we do -we do it to hold our feelings perfectly placid...now I am shaking off the dust on my feet and I am coming clean, because I am tired of hiding behind a thin wall of plaster that - when touched in the right place can shatter in the blink of an eye...  


By the time I am done here I hope to have shattered every mask on my shelf and watched every wall I have ever thrown up around myself crumble to the ground in a heaping mass of mistakes and little wisps of dust rising into the air screeching their freedom to the world so everyone will know... 


If you really knew me you'd now that I am just like any other kid out here trying to figure out what I want in life, and searching for ways to make my dreams come true, to show myself that I can prove you wrong- and be something that you said I could never be.  


If you really knew me you'd know that someday's it is a struggle to drag my ass outta bed, that the pressure is crushing me from the inside out - and yes, I do break down.


If you really knew me you would know that public speaking scares the shit out of me - I am afraid of boring people and not measuring up, of being a complete and total failure and not being able to sale your interest to the highest bidder. 


 You would know that I beat myself up over things I can't control... and you'd know that I do miss the one's I have lost - and not a day goes by that I don't think about them, because they are always with me... their memory lives on... through me.  


If you really knew me you'd know that I don't care what people say - I used to be afraid to show who I am but I'm not anymore, and if you knew me you would know that I love people... sometimes.  


You'd know that I love being outside with my animals, that sometimes I prefer them over people - at least they listen and pretend to care - and if they don't it's not as easy to tell.  


If you really knew me, you would know that I am still afraid of spiders and feather boas, and that I am 


fascinated by snowball fight techniques and dentures... you would know that I still check behind the 


shower curtains EVERYTIME I go into a bathroom and I still flip my pillow to the cold side at night 


when I wake up.


If you really knew me you would know that I don't think I am crazy cuz I talk to myself - I don't think I am crazy when I answer myself either... it's the times that I have to ask myself to repeat what I just said cuz I wasn't paying attention the first time, that worries me.


If you really knew me you'd know that I am always swearing - out loud, in my head, under my breath... Ask my dad I learned from him...  you'd know that to see him hooked up to a machine every other day just to keep him alive makes me feel like I have a lead ball in the pit of my stomach - this teenage girl never asked for this.  You'd know I believe if someone says they'll always be there for you, you need to find out exactly where "there" is...


Now let me tell you a bit about myself - I tend to say 'I don't know' when I'm to lazy to think, and I hate the feeling you get when you fight with someone you really care about.  I am multi-talented see, cuz I can talk and piss you off at the same time and when I am crying and someone hugs me it just makes me cry harder.  If you really knew me you would know that I am Charity-Faith Susan Ledkins, I am almost 18 years old and dying to graduate highschool.  I play violin and guitar and have the best friends anyone could ever ask for.  And I am the Great Milenko.  


I have pulled myself out of that cramped recess of my mind and I'm still working on the clarity of my voice, but slowly, ever slowly it is coming back into focus.  Thank you.

Jealousy

The Yarn of the Nancy Bell
By: Sir William Schwenck Gilbert


"O, elderly man, it's little I know
Of the duties of men of the sea,
But I'll eat my hand if I understand
How you can possibly be..."


This is a classic-in the truest meaning of the word...  It was written in 1866 and I am sure that there are stories out there where this sort of scenario actually happened...  I just wanna be able to write in this style - I think it sounds so awesome, but it confuses me and I fail miserably. 

But in a way you can see what is going on - the man gets caught in a ship wreck after his ship hits a reef and sinks.  It creates good imagery for me... maybe I am just crazy or something but ever since I had to memorize this in fifth grade it's always been in the back of my mind and it's cool.  Even though it talks about cannibalism-(eww) that's what he had to do to survive... and to me, it supports the image of this crazy sailor man who is old and worn out and still traumatized by his experiences at sea, and all messed up from the events that took place-it's really clear what the author is trying to get across but it can be taken in many different ways.  It is kind of tricky to memorize because of the writing style and sometimes it is confusing but it's good work and really old!!!  I like it, and it has been passed down in  my family for a long time so it's special (:  I like it, hopefully you do too!

This is for YOU:Shake the Dust

This is for the big girls.  You are beautiful.  Shake Ya Hips.


This is for the 7-11 employees working graveyard, crossing their fingers they won't get robbed.
This is for the pottery laying in shattered pieces on the floor, where the madman threw it in his fit of rage.


This is for the killers who weren't killers until they were pushed to the limit and went postal.
This is for that lady at the shoe store with a rock the size of China in her shoe, RAWR.


This is for the wrestlers, Pin 'em down.
This is for the football players.  Swag.


This is for the balloon that's afraid of heights and the kite that is afraid of flying.


This is for the dog that's afraid to bite.


This is for the ring sitting in the case at the jewelry store wishing for a finger to rest on.
This is for the person who sold that ring to the pawn shop, because it didn't work out.


This is for the teddy bear with crooked zig-zag stitching and one button eye sitting on the back of the shelf at the toy store waiting for someone to come along who will love him for who he is.


This is for the photo album of happy memories shoved in the back of the musty closet being feasted on by moths that are eating away the good times and forgotten photographs.


This is for all the spirits that surround us every single day, and the people who wish to understand them. 


This is for the almost 2-year old that no one can understand because he speaks half English, half God.


This is for the gym class wall flowers.


This is for the abused pets, children and adults.


This is for the kid who hasn't had lunch money since the first day of school and sits by himself in a corner alone, while everyone goes on with their busy lives, never once turning their attention away from themselves and onto him.  Just once.


This is for the girl who listens to the yelling and screaming, thinking that if she wasn't there things would be better for everyone.  
This is for that same girl who was once planning ways to disappear, and her plan to be happy no matter what happened.


This is for the kids who wish they could be somebody.


This is for the girl who sees her reflection and finally realizes she is beautiful.


This is for you.  This is for me.  This is for the everybody's, the nobody's and the wanna-be-somebody's.

This is for the people who know how to live.

To the people who treat everyone as an equal.  

And this is for the man who lives fully and is prepared to die at any time.

Shake the Dust.

Still Looking for the Clarity of my Voice

I am still looking for the clarity of my voice...


Not because I want to be heard - but because I NEED to be heard.  
If not by an audience - at least let me hear myself.


When I was a kid I didn't care about other peoples problems. 
As I grew older I began to care more & more.


I began to stop worrying about myself and more about other people.


I stopped making life treat me kind, and as I stayed up into the early hours of the morning helping friends through their difficulties, I began to watch my life slip away.  


I cared more about keeping them happy and non-suicidal then trying to watch out for myself.
I watched people I loved and needed slip out of my reach.


I watched my once brilliant mind go to mush. 
I began sinking deeper into my icy box of stone cold walls I had thrown up around myself.  


The walls were made up of my insecurities, my problems and my insults from myself and others. 


I was a stranger to myself.
I was running from my mind.


Through a musty labyrinth with green mold growing up the walls and a temperature low enough to freeze your heart mid-beat. 


I was running aimlessly through the twisted maze, trying to decipher what the voice in the back of my head was screaming at me...


Daylight sliced through the darkness, and into the dusty recesses of my mind- and realization hit.


I kept forgetting to be kind to myself.
I still forget that.


Life was beautiful-I just needed to open my eyes enough to see that.


There are moments I could never forget, but I could try.


Moments I can remember where I tricked people into thinking that I am something I am not.  


Regrets. 


Hidden in there somewhere - trying to hide as my mental broom swept through the cob-web filled closets of my core -they were trying to grasp the doorjamb in one last attempt to stay before getting shut out in the cold.  


No one wants to hear what I wanna say.


But I can keep talking to myself-I have not given up on trying to coax this injured soul out of the stone box where it sits.


My mind is finally beginning to grasp the concept of living outside of the box.


I am remembering to tie my shoes, match my socks and paint my toenails.


I may still flip my pillows to the cold side when I wake up during the night, and I may still come across as annoying and obnoxious just because. 


But I am getting worse at forgetting.  


I still forget to stop feeling guilty about things beyond my control and I may still forget to say my prayers ~


But the clarity is coming back - One. Blurry. Pixel. At A Time.