If You Really Knew Me

Do you ever wish that people would be able to look past your masks and see the real you?  


I know I do - you see, I have lived my whole life up until now behind a buckling shelf full of masks.  I wear them to avoid being hurt - to keep myself comfortably numb, because that's what we do -we do it to hold our feelings perfectly placid...now I am shaking off the dust on my feet and I am coming clean, because I am tired of hiding behind a thin wall of plaster that - when touched in the right place can shatter in the blink of an eye...  


By the time I am done here I hope to have shattered every mask on my shelf and watched every wall I have ever thrown up around myself crumble to the ground in a heaping mass of mistakes and little wisps of dust rising into the air screeching their freedom to the world so everyone will know... 


If you really knew me you'd now that I am just like any other kid out here trying to figure out what I want in life, and searching for ways to make my dreams come true, to show myself that I can prove you wrong- and be something that you said I could never be.  


If you really knew me you'd know that someday's it is a struggle to drag my ass outta bed, that the pressure is crushing me from the inside out - and yes, I do break down.


If you really knew me you would know that public speaking scares the shit out of me - I am afraid of boring people and not measuring up, of being a complete and total failure and not being able to sale your interest to the highest bidder. 


 You would know that I beat myself up over things I can't control... and you'd know that I do miss the one's I have lost - and not a day goes by that I don't think about them, because they are always with me... their memory lives on... through me.  


If you really knew me you'd know that I don't care what people say - I used to be afraid to show who I am but I'm not anymore, and if you knew me you would know that I love people... sometimes.  


You'd know that I love being outside with my animals, that sometimes I prefer them over people - at least they listen and pretend to care - and if they don't it's not as easy to tell.  


If you really knew me, you would know that I am still afraid of spiders and feather boas, and that I am 


fascinated by snowball fight techniques and dentures... you would know that I still check behind the 


shower curtains EVERYTIME I go into a bathroom and I still flip my pillow to the cold side at night 


when I wake up.


If you really knew me you would know that I don't think I am crazy cuz I talk to myself - I don't think I am crazy when I answer myself either... it's the times that I have to ask myself to repeat what I just said cuz I wasn't paying attention the first time, that worries me.


If you really knew me you'd know that I am always swearing - out loud, in my head, under my breath... Ask my dad I learned from him...  you'd know that to see him hooked up to a machine every other day just to keep him alive makes me feel like I have a lead ball in the pit of my stomach - this teenage girl never asked for this.  You'd know I believe if someone says they'll always be there for you, you need to find out exactly where "there" is...


Now let me tell you a bit about myself - I tend to say 'I don't know' when I'm to lazy to think, and I hate the feeling you get when you fight with someone you really care about.  I am multi-talented see, cuz I can talk and piss you off at the same time and when I am crying and someone hugs me it just makes me cry harder.  If you really knew me you would know that I am Charity-Faith Susan Ledkins, I am almost 18 years old and dying to graduate highschool.  I play violin and guitar and have the best friends anyone could ever ask for.  And I am the Great Milenko.  


I have pulled myself out of that cramped recess of my mind and I'm still working on the clarity of my voice, but slowly, ever slowly it is coming back into focus.  Thank you.

Jealousy

The Yarn of the Nancy Bell
By: Sir William Schwenck Gilbert


"O, elderly man, it's little I know
Of the duties of men of the sea,
But I'll eat my hand if I understand
How you can possibly be..."


This is a classic-in the truest meaning of the word...  It was written in 1866 and I am sure that there are stories out there where this sort of scenario actually happened...  I just wanna be able to write in this style - I think it sounds so awesome, but it confuses me and I fail miserably. 

But in a way you can see what is going on - the man gets caught in a ship wreck after his ship hits a reef and sinks.  It creates good imagery for me... maybe I am just crazy or something but ever since I had to memorize this in fifth grade it's always been in the back of my mind and it's cool.  Even though it talks about cannibalism-(eww) that's what he had to do to survive... and to me, it supports the image of this crazy sailor man who is old and worn out and still traumatized by his experiences at sea, and all messed up from the events that took place-it's really clear what the author is trying to get across but it can be taken in many different ways.  It is kind of tricky to memorize because of the writing style and sometimes it is confusing but it's good work and really old!!!  I like it, and it has been passed down in  my family for a long time so it's special (:  I like it, hopefully you do too!

This is for YOU:Shake the Dust

This is for the big girls.  You are beautiful.  Shake Ya Hips.


This is for the 7-11 employees working graveyard, crossing their fingers they won't get robbed.
This is for the pottery laying in shattered pieces on the floor, where the madman threw it in his fit of rage.


This is for the killers who weren't killers until they were pushed to the limit and went postal.
This is for that lady at the shoe store with a rock the size of China in her shoe, RAWR.


This is for the wrestlers, Pin 'em down.
This is for the football players.  Swag.


This is for the balloon that's afraid of heights and the kite that is afraid of flying.


This is for the dog that's afraid to bite.


This is for the ring sitting in the case at the jewelry store wishing for a finger to rest on.
This is for the person who sold that ring to the pawn shop, because it didn't work out.


This is for the teddy bear with crooked zig-zag stitching and one button eye sitting on the back of the shelf at the toy store waiting for someone to come along who will love him for who he is.


This is for the photo album of happy memories shoved in the back of the musty closet being feasted on by moths that are eating away the good times and forgotten photographs.


This is for all the spirits that surround us every single day, and the people who wish to understand them. 


This is for the almost 2-year old that no one can understand because he speaks half English, half God.


This is for the gym class wall flowers.


This is for the abused pets, children and adults.


This is for the kid who hasn't had lunch money since the first day of school and sits by himself in a corner alone, while everyone goes on with their busy lives, never once turning their attention away from themselves and onto him.  Just once.


This is for the girl who listens to the yelling and screaming, thinking that if she wasn't there things would be better for everyone.  
This is for that same girl who was once planning ways to disappear, and her plan to be happy no matter what happened.


This is for the kids who wish they could be somebody.


This is for the girl who sees her reflection and finally realizes she is beautiful.


This is for you.  This is for me.  This is for the everybody's, the nobody's and the wanna-be-somebody's.

This is for the people who know how to live.

To the people who treat everyone as an equal.  

And this is for the man who lives fully and is prepared to die at any time.

Shake the Dust.

Still Looking for the Clarity of my Voice

I am still looking for the clarity of my voice...


Not because I want to be heard - but because I NEED to be heard.  
If not by an audience - at least let me hear myself.


When I was a kid I didn't care about other peoples problems. 
As I grew older I began to care more & more.


I began to stop worrying about myself and more about other people.


I stopped making life treat me kind, and as I stayed up into the early hours of the morning helping friends through their difficulties, I began to watch my life slip away.  


I cared more about keeping them happy and non-suicidal then trying to watch out for myself.
I watched people I loved and needed slip out of my reach.


I watched my once brilliant mind go to mush. 
I began sinking deeper into my icy box of stone cold walls I had thrown up around myself.  


The walls were made up of my insecurities, my problems and my insults from myself and others. 


I was a stranger to myself.
I was running from my mind.


Through a musty labyrinth with green mold growing up the walls and a temperature low enough to freeze your heart mid-beat. 


I was running aimlessly through the twisted maze, trying to decipher what the voice in the back of my head was screaming at me...


Daylight sliced through the darkness, and into the dusty recesses of my mind- and realization hit.


I kept forgetting to be kind to myself.
I still forget that.


Life was beautiful-I just needed to open my eyes enough to see that.


There are moments I could never forget, but I could try.


Moments I can remember where I tricked people into thinking that I am something I am not.  


Regrets. 


Hidden in there somewhere - trying to hide as my mental broom swept through the cob-web filled closets of my core -they were trying to grasp the doorjamb in one last attempt to stay before getting shut out in the cold.  


No one wants to hear what I wanna say.


But I can keep talking to myself-I have not given up on trying to coax this injured soul out of the stone box where it sits.


My mind is finally beginning to grasp the concept of living outside of the box.


I am remembering to tie my shoes, match my socks and paint my toenails.


I may still flip my pillows to the cold side when I wake up during the night, and I may still come across as annoying and obnoxious just because. 


But I am getting worse at forgetting.  


I still forget to stop feeling guilty about things beyond my control and I may still forget to say my prayers ~


But the clarity is coming back - One. Blurry. Pixel. At A Time.  

Cornfields and Outhouses

 there was a girl named Kali Rae.  She lived in Rome, attended school and enjoyed gardening in her free time.  She lived in a simple but quaint white home with green shutters on the windows that overlooked her abundant well kept garden.  One morning as she sat rocking in the porch swing she heard a very suspicious noise and what sounded like a scream coming from the cornfield way off to her left.  She tilted her head to the side straining her ears to hear... there it was again... She wanted to go see what the disturbance was but she was afraid and refused to risk an attack or face any other unforseen possibilities, so she ran into her house slammed the door and slid the massive rusty  lock over the door to prevent entry and ran to check her other doors and lock the windows. 

She sat curled up on the couch listening for anything, hearing nothing.  Soon she realized it was dark outside and she started to shiver.  She got off the couch walked to the fireplace and started a fire.  She was about to go back to the couch when something silver popped and leaped out of the newly lit flames to sear her foot.  She screamed in pain and reached down to pry a key off of her leather slipper - with a million questions running through her head.  Where did it come from? and What did it mean?,  she asked aloud.  I will be your guide.  You must be brave - you need to find out what you heard today, someone may need help.

"But I am not the one for this mission. I am a girl, and girls don't play the hero - that's only in movies."   Ahh, but that is where you are wrong little one, girls can be a hero the same as a big strong man.  you can do whatever you set your mind to.  And I am here to help you."  Reluctantly she agreed and rushed to the kitchen to pack some food and gather warm clothes for the journey.  The key relented to give her the night to sleep before starting out before sunrise the next morning.  And as she laid her head down on the pillow she thought to herself, "What am I doing?"   

*  *  *  *

The next morning she woke up to a gentle hum, at first it was so comforting that she wanted to just stay there forever, but she had to get up and keep her promise.  She collected her things while stalling for time to collect her courage and walked out the front door, across the grass and into the corn field.

She pulled a knife from her pack and cut her way through the tightly threaded brush, making her way slowly toward the sounds she could hear off in the distance - with the key bumping against her chest hooked to the chain she had found.  All at once the sky turned dark and the clouds began to rumble and circle in a whirling vortex above her head - following her every step of the way.  

She heard a noise off to her left, instantly setting her on her guard, she tensed as a dark figure emerged into her path blocker her advance then they were in a circular clearing with other figures surrounding her and her enemy as they slowly danced in circles waiting for someone to throw a first shot in.  Then as quick as she blinked the figure lunged at her she dropped and blocked the attack flipping her body into the air ~ now she was behind the figure confused it looked back just as she sank her fist into it's face, it vanished into thin air with screams of rage lingering in the air.  

She pushed her feet forward, her legs felt like rubber and her palms were sweating as she wondered what her next challenge would be - not watching where she was going she almost walked right over the cliff into the pool of piranhas with no bridge but a very skinny log stretching over the expanse of the watery death trap.  It was either walk across or turn back, the key refused to let her give up, so she gathered her courage yet again and climbed onto the lock praying her boots wouldn't slip.  She fell half way through her journey across the log, but got up and made it across trying not to hear the piranhas snapping their hungry jaws at her.  Then she stepped off and headed into the corn once more heading toward the sound. 

There... another sound... a man this time stepped out of the corn into her path from the right this time and she was instantly on her guard, but he was no one to be afraid of.  His name was Romulus and he was a friendly water nymph who got pushed out of his water by the man eating fish.  Taking pity on him she relented to let him tag along and he agreed to show her easier ways to get to where she was going.  

She knew she hurt his feelings when she told him that she knew what she was doing and that she was a girl and was human, not a freak.  She didn't know what possessed her to say such a thing but his feelings were hurt and his eyes filled with tears.  Just then they happened onto the source of the journey... in a clearing there stood an old abandoned outhouse, someone was locked inside but the door was jammed and there were dark figures surrounding the area.  

Kali turned in time to see the coward and hurting Romulus scamper into the bushes.  She was on her own.  She earned the sword of self respect and as quick as the figures would jump at her she'd cut them down and earn coins as their forms wisped into the air never to be seen again.  

Having taken care of the figures, it was now getting dark, she ran over to the outhouse to release the old woman inside. She was thanked over and over again and granted 3 wishes.  Her first wish was to gain Romulus' friendship back, she had an undeniable feeling in her stomach saying something about her feelings about him.  The old woman granted her that and so much more. 

When she woke up she was sitting on her couch in front of her fire, in Romulus's arms and her hands gripping the key around her neck... She was back where she belonged and her journey had proved to her that she could do anything she put her mind to, and on top of all the knowledge she had gained she finally earned the love and respect of the man of her dreams.

How the Grinch Became a Hero to Me :)

    

     Ordinary World, Call to Adventure, Refusal of the Call : In the very beginning, he could tell that he was different.  Now he lives in a cave, alone at the top of a mountain covered in snow.  His heart is 3 sizes to small.  He has turned his back on the world he used to know and has run out of patience sitting at the top of the mountain watching the Who's be happy and merry.  This year he has finally had enough - first it's the nosy teenagers who are brave enough to touch his door and get scared faceless when his "watch dog" comes snarling out of the door.  That is when he decides he needs a little social interaction-instead of sitting home trying to find ways to entertain himself, he dresses up and goes down to Whoville to raise some trouble.  This is where he hits his adventure.  While he is in the post office mixing up everyone's mail, Cindy Lou Who is  sent into the sorting room where she hears Max sneeze and Grinch Gesundheit him, she screams and falls into the mail sort smasher, just before she gets stamped by the huge stamp thing, he pulls her out saving her life.  She thanks him, and he refuses to be seen as a nice, soft person so he wraps her up in paper and leaves.

    Meeting With The Mentor: Cindy Lou decides that there is a soft side to this Mr. Grinch that everyone is so afraid of.  (After all - if he didn't have a spark of good, he would have let her get squished by the sorting machine).  She begins interviewing anyone and everyone who would know anything big or small about him, she wanted every shred of information she could get.  She interviews the ladies who took car of him as a small child, his elementary crush the Beautiful Martha May, and Augustus Maywho, the mayor and Grinch's least favorite person in Whoville.


 Crossing the Threshold, Tests Allies Enemies, Approach: Cindy learns a lot and decides to nominate him for the annual Holiday Cheer Meister award.  She is received with shock from the whole town, but eventually gets them to agree. She goes up to his cave to invite him down to accept his award.  She slowly talks him into coming down to town, by showing him that no matter how scary he made himself seem - he didn't scare her. Not one little bit.

     Ordeal: The Grinch - after much deliberation with himself-decides to drop down in town and accept his award.  He makes a grand entrance is attacked by old ladies with a light-up i love x-mas sweater and fruit cake, old men with homemade fudge and a Chair of Cheer he is exhausted.  He is presented with a gift from the mayor, it is a shaver- these bring back bad memories and snap him back into reality.  He watches his enemy propose to his love, then he wreaks havoc on the town, burns down the tree in city square and escapes back to Mt. Crumpit.

  

     Reward: He plots a way to get even with the town and comes up with a marvelous plan... HE WILL STEAL CHRISTMAS!  He makes a sleigh and a vaccum to make gathering things up easier. He waits for Santa to leave then goes down and takes everything Santa gave the town.  He escapes with his reindeer Max, pulling the sleigh up to the highest peak, and he rewards himself with all the gifts and food from the icebox's he raided and to watch the town melt-down when they realize there is no Christmas.

     The Road Back: The town finally listens to Cindy Lou and they realize that it isn't all about gifts and lights, it is about being with the people you love.  So he gets angry when he sees that they are still happy and singing, and that he went to all that trouble and failed at stopping Christmas, but as he sits there, he thinks and the sun rises and his heart begins to grow, because he is "toasty" inside. The sled begins sliding over the cliff and he looks up to find that Cindy is on top of the sleigh that is about to go off the cliff.  He picks it up and sets it back to go back down and fix Christmas.

     Resurrection: He and Cindy drive the sleigh back down the mountain into town and he apologizes for messing up Christmas, and that everything is in the sleigh, and is accounted for.

 
    Return With Elixir:  Martha May tells the Mayor Augustus - Grinch's enemy that she cannot marry him because her heart belongs to the Grinch.  He invites everyone to his cave for the Christmas feast and everything is all better!


Masks:

• Hero" to serve and sacrifice": Cindy Lou and in the end, Grinch.
• Mentor"to guide": Lou Who, Grinch's Mothers, Martha May.
• Threshold Guardian"to test": The people of Whoville, Grinch tests Cindy.
• Herald"to warn and challenge":Cindy, Grinch, Augustus Maywho.
• Shapeshifter"to question and deceive": Grinch, Mayor Augustus.
• Shadow"to destroy": Mayor, Grinch.
• Trickster"to disrupt": GRINCH.